Eyewitness
***
Four eyes watch as a body falls to the ground. Two of them hover just above it, while the other two are hidden behind a door.
One of them feels the slight brush of a feather in the right palm as the other says, “Done”.
***
Entry 2 :
Sometimes people get involved in things they don’t plan beforehand. It is almost impossible to predict what’s gonna happen after you wake up. Are you gonna get up, wash your face, and carry out your daily errands? Or is it gonna be one of those depressing days where you have no desire to leave the familiarity of your comforter? You know, those days when you don’t even bother to turn on the light even after the sun sets and it’s dark again.
You cannot help but wonder how life would be if you could just see the… Never mind. It’s useless. Fretting never actually makes a change. You cannot change this anyway so why still think about it? Just go on with your life. Tell the woman who wears a red one-piece suit “Good luck on your job interview”, and the guy with the myopathic gait “We should do something sometime”.
After all, this is what is expected of you. Simple greetings, small talk, a couple of smiles here and there…
In the end it doesn’t really matter whether they understand there’s a problem or not for another day has already passed, and you may or may not see them again.
***
Six ears hear a piercing scream. Owner of the first pair is startled and turns towards the noise. Owner of the second pair listens from behind a door. Owner of the third pair is the one screaming.
One of them feels a sharp pang in the left side of the chest.
***
Entry 3:
This is one of those days where you get up and wash your face. Your reflection being the first thing you see, your only company. It is kinda sad that your only company is someone you don’t even recognise.
Some people go through this strange out of body experience where they look at themselves in the mirror and go down in an existential crisis spiral involving questions like “Who is this person I see before me?” or thoughts like “Wow, I am really in this body, like this is actually me, my body. I was put in this body out of all the bodies”. The momentary dissociation never lasts more than a few minutes. A few minutes is actually a lot most of the time. Then they proceed to observe their facial features, maybe brush their teeth or put on makeup if there’s a special occasion that they plan to attend.
But for you, that temporality is permanence.
You don’t observe your facial features. No. You simply can’t. It’s all blurry lines and anxiety. You know that eyes are always above the nose, the nose is always above the mouth, and the mouth… The mouth is just there. The ears are on either side of the face, and sometimes they are covered by hair if the hair is long. If the hair is short, it’s either a blurry image that is a little wider on the sides or there’s a distinct shape attached to both sides.
It is funny. Seeing a blob of various skin tones passing by each day is funny.
***
A person sitting down, backwards, on a chair... He seems nervous. It is obvious from the way he keeps ruffling his hair and shrugging his shoulders as he speaks to whoever’s sitting across from him. His arms gesture widely, but when he stops his fingers twitch.
His voice is uncertain, intermittent. The volume fluctuates to the point that sometimes it is almost all blended into the background chatter. The person sitting across from him doesn’t really care about the topic of conversation. He’s lost in the sensation of little ants crawling up his legs.
***
Entry 4:
You can never be certain who's watching you. Just like how you can never be certain what that person wants, if that person exists. The anxiety can be caused by outsiders but yours is definitely self-inflicted. Stop lying to yourself and get a grip on reality. Your reality. Not someone else's. This world is full of pragmatists.
It's the logical thing to do.
Always ask "What will be beneficial for me?" . Apparently that's how you get somewhere in life. Be someone. Use other people for other people would do the same if they were you. Have good relations with your peers and an esteemed reputation. Make people think you don't lie, you don't cheat, you aren't a hermit. Let them believe that you enjoy life and that you have a purpose. A driving force that keeps you going and keeps you motivated so that they trust you with things.
Your purpose doesn't necessarily have to be decided by you. Someone’s purpose can, in fact, be decided by someone else. There is no fate or a divine determining factor when it comes to choosing your own path in life. Don't limit yourself to basic standards and principles. Analysing the ethics and morality of every situation is stupid. Are you gonna stop everything and just go "Oh wait, this is wrong"? No. It is stupid. It would be a total waste of time and resources. Don't do that. Don't be stupid.
***
It is one week before the first day of the full moon. That's why everywhere is so bright, even the deepest nooks where there are no street lamps. That is not a big concern for him anyway since anyone hardly ever comes to this part of town. Especially at this hour. An isolated place is the ideal place to finish the job. He just needs to wait for the right moment so that the calculations are for certain and there’s no evidence left behind after he leaves the vicinity.
It’s always hard at first, but then it becomes muscle memory
***
Entry 5:
What is habit? Can habits be altered? Are habits part of the epigenetic system or are they solely acquired over time?
Certain conditions like yours can be both inherited or acquired so does that mean there’s a connection between your current situation and your entire being? That’s hilarious.
***
He is called for the third time that week. It still makes him uneasy from time to time to be obligated to do things for these people.
The woman swallows a couple of times and checks if her voice still sounds believable. She tests out the accent and inflections of the voice and compares them to the recording she committed to memory from listening to it a million times in just the past two days. She styles the straight black wig that covers her normally auburn hair one last time before she meets him in the lobby.
***
Entry 6:
Things seem to be going well for you these days. You should reward yourself to a nice cup of tea or something when you have the chance. It’s probably the first time after a long while that you feel this light.
Be cautious though, good things don’t last for long. At least money is not that big a problem anymore. That impending sense of doom is almost lifted. How convenient.
***
He doesn’t care about the quality or the complexity of the sounds to which he listens. He usually has to take the physiological aspect into account as well as the general pleasantness of it. Some sounds tickle and some are prickly. However, it is possible to feel immense pain as well. Although it’s rare compared to the other sensations, he knows that the note A and some high-pitched female voices tend to have that effect on him.
That’s why he usually listens to either nature sounds or the news.
On certain days, if he’s feeling particularly adventurous, he goes out to listen to the street performers busking. It’s almost like a proverbial Russian Roulette in which the pain of the bullet only lasts for a couple of seconds.
The days when he’s outside, bumping into some familiar faces is inevitable. He especially dislikes the woman with the wavy blonde hair and expensive handbags who stops by the local market at the end of the street at 5 pm sharp. As soon as she leaves the market she recites 10 positive sentences until she reaches her loft. Her voice is exceptionally shrilly after work hours and he’s absolutely positive it is painful to anyone who’s in the vicinity, even without the condition he has.
Which is why he is grateful they called him to the warehouse at 4.30 pm.
***
Entry 7:
What justifies turning a blind eye? Does it depend on the situation or is it more subjective than that? If what you’re doing isn’t what you think it is, should you look further into it or simply ignore it?
You definitely don’t have the right to be critical about this arrangement. And yet…
No.
***
(6 months ago)
He looks at the computer screen and waits for the cue to start the test. When he hears the semi-quiet “ding” he briefly feels a pressure on his right arm, and he presses the start button. The portraits of people he doesn’t know appear one by one and he randomly clicks on “seen” and “new” as each photo is shown for he has no way of knowing what they look like.
A photo of a woman, no wait, a man?
The muted colours look familiar, “seen”.
He doesn’t remember this one, “new”.
Overall score 23/75.
***
Entry 8:
Another interrogation is over.
Honestly it makes no sense how they still insist on calling you to the station for testimony. You’d think they would understand the whole scheme by now. Are you really that good of an actor?
It must be fate. It’s like your entire being is tailor made to play this part. After all,
You cannot recognise your next door neighbour.
You cannot recognise your colleagues.
You cannot recognise the people you work for.
You don’t even know what you look like.
But they don’t know that now, do they?
